Odds and sods page

This page is for more-or-less anything that doesn't fit in any other category
 


 

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." 'Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."  Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your porridge."

 

A city bloke had always dreamed of having his own cattle ranch and finally made enough money to buy the property of his dreams out West.
"So what have you named your spread?" asked his friend when he flew out for a visit.
"We had a terrible time deciding" replied the novice cattleman. "Everyone in the family had different ideas and we couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar 7 Lucky Diamond".
"Wow" said his friend, who was much impressed. "So where are the cows?".
"None of them survived the branding."

 

An American tourist visiting London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around seeing the sights, occasionally stopping  at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighbourhood with stately residences, no pubs, no stores, no restaurants and, worst of all, no public toilets.
He really, really has to go after all those pints, so be finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
But as he is unzipping his trousers, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says: 'I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.'
'I'm very sorry, officer;' replies the American 'but I really have to go and I just canít find a public rest-room. '
'Ah, yes, , says the bobby. 'Just follow me.'  He leads him to a back 'delivery alley', then along a wall to a gate, which be opens. 'In there,' points the bobby. 'Whiz away sir, anywhere you want.'
The American enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured lawns, statues, fountains, sculptured hedges and huge beds of gorgeous flowers in perfect bloom. Since he has the policemanís blessing he unburdens himself and  is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the policeman: 'That was really decent of you. Is that what you call British hospitality?
'No sir,' replies the bobby. 'That is what we call the French Embassy.'

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